Navigating the Ever-Changing Landscape of Friendships: Who Stays, Who Goes, and Why!

Always There No Matter What, Forever Friends

From a young age, I was naturally confident and found it easy to make friends. That’s still true today, but life has also shown me the importance of choosing friendships that truly align with who I am. Along the way, I’ve learned that friendships evolve, and sometimes, letting go is a necessary part of growth.

My first experience with the changing nature of friendship happened when I transitioned from primary to secondary school. My best friend and I went to different schools, and almost overnight, our connection faded. At the time, I didn’t understand why, and that experience stayed with me. Throughout secondary school, I often felt like the “spare friend”, included when it was convenient but never quite belonging. Now, as I watch my son approach his final year of primary school, I can’t help but reflect on those moments and the lessons they’ve taught me.

As I moved on to college, friendships shifted again. We bonded over shared interests, newfound independence, and the excitement of growing into young women.

I’ve been fortunate to have truly special friendships that have enriched my life in countless ways, including one particularly profound bond with my best friend, who feels more like a sister to me than just a friend. This unique relationship transcends the typical boundaries of friendship; it is deeply rooted in mutual respect, shared experiences, and an unbreakable trust that has developed over many years. No one knows me better than she does, except for myself, of course. She has seen me through various stages of my life, from moments of joy and triumph to times of sorrow and uncertainty.

Though we don’t see each other as often as we would like due to the inevitable demands of family obligations, work commitments, and the complexities of adult life, our connection remains incredibly strong. We make it a priority to check in with each other regularly, whether through phone calls, texts, or the occasional walk and coffee. These interactions, though sometimes brief, are filled with warmth and understanding, reminding us both that distance cannot diminish the bond we share.

Our friendship is built on years of love, understanding, and unwavering support. We have celebrated each other's successes, whether big or small, and have been there to lift each other up during the challenging times that life inevitably throws our way. The laughter we share is infectious, and our inside jokes have become a cherished part of our relationship. We can communicate without words, often understanding each other's thoughts and feelings intuitively, which is a testament to the depth of our friendship.

Every time we do manage to get together, it feels like no time has passed at all. We can easily slip back into our comfortable rhythm, reminiscing about the past while also dreaming about the future. Our shared memories, ranging from silly adventures of which there are many, to heartfelt conversations, create a lifetime of experiences that bind us together. This friendship is not just a part of my life; it is a vital source of strength and joy that I deeply cherish. This friendship has spanned over 40+ years and I know we will be forever friends.

But not all friendships last forever, and that’s okay. Some friendships were deeply meaningful at a particular stage of my life but were based on an earlier version of me, one that revolved around different priorities, like nights out, unhealthy gossip and friendships where I was giving a lot without receiving anything in return or feeling appreciated. As I matured, healed, established self-respect, set healthy boundaries, and embraced sobriety, some of these relationships naturally faded away. It wasn't about assigning fault to either myself or others; it was simply that our paths no longer aligned.

For a long time, I found myself in the role of the go-to person for support among my friends and acquaintances. This position often stemmed from a deep-seated need within me to feel needed, a longing that was intricately tied to my younger self’s desire to belong and to be valued. In my formative years, I often felt overshadowed or overlooked, leading me to develop a strong inclination to please others, hoping that by doing so, I could carve out a space for myself in their lives. This pattern of behaviour became a defining characteristic of my interactions; I was always ready to lend an ear, offer advice, or provide assistance, often at the expense of my own needs and well-being.

As time passed and I began to embark on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth, I started to learn the importance of honouring my own needs. I realised that in order to be truly supportive to others, I first needed to take care of myself. This realisation led me to set healthy boundaries, a practice that was initially daunting and uncomfortable. I found myself confronting the discomfort of prioritising my own needs over the expectations of others.

As I embraced this new approach, I noticed a subtle yet significant shift in my relationships. Some friendships that had once felt vibrant and fulfilling began to fade away. At first, this was a painful realisation; I struggled with feelings of loss and confusion, questioning whether I had made the right choices. The thought of losing connections that had once provided me with a sense of purpose and belonging was difficult to bear. However, as I continued to reflect on these changes, I began to understand a crucial truth: relationships that are built solely on the foundation of people-pleasing are often imbalanced and unsustainable.

The fading of some friendships became a catalyst for deeper introspection. I recognised that many of these connections were predicated on my willingness to meet others’ needs while neglecting my own. I learned that true friendships are not merely about being there for one another in times of need but also about mutual respect, understanding, and the ability to communicate openly about our individual needs and boundaries. This realisation was liberating; it allowed me to appreciate the value of surrounding myself with people who not only supported me but also encouraged me to prioritise my own well-being.

In this journey, I have come to cherish the relationships that have remained, as they are now rooted in a more authentic and balanced place. These connections are characterised by a reciprocal exchange of support, where we all feel valued and understood. This transformation has not only enriched my social life but has also supported a deeper sense of self-worth and empowerment within me. Ultimately, I have learned that it is entirely possible to be there for others while still honouring my own needs, and that this balance is essential for creating healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Now, I choose my friendships with intention. I feel incredibly grateful for the people in my life, those who share my values, respect my boundaries, and uplift me as much as I uplift them. I’ve learned that friendships, like all relationships, should be based on mutual support, not obligation.

Letting go doesn’t mean there was no love or appreciation for what once was, it simply means making space for connections that reflect who we are today. And in that, there is so much beauty.

As I have grown, especially in recent years, I've become more at ease with being alone and enjoy my own time and space. As my journey progresses and I encounter new individuals, I know that there are still friendships to be formed.

Vicky